I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reevaluating of my life. I “was” (still sometimes am) an unhappy person. I don’t love my life, some days I don’t even like it. You know the saying “The grass is always on the other side” but it never really is. I think that is what I fight for. I see these people (some of you even) who seem to have it all together. Sometimes it’s with weight loss, other times just life. Once I actually get to know these people that I envy so much, I see that the grass really is not greener. Sure x might look wonderful, eat great, and work out regularly, but that doesn’t mean that he/she is all put together. Just because x has a georgious house, a “career”, etc doesn’t meant that he/she is happy. So why do we judge ourselves based on other people? It’s almost like striving to be who we already are.
So in my evaluation I’ve realized two things. One being that the most important thing to me is my family. The other being that I am important to me too. I don’t want to be perfect. There is no such thing. So why is it that I force myself to workout (not so much lately, but sometimes) when I HATE it and my reasons being, so I will look good. Why is it that in an attempt to become happy, we create so much stress and anxiety that we hate ourselves more sometimes? I could lose all of the weight in the world and exercise like a pro, I will never look like I think I should at a certain weight. The stretch marks and sagging skin won’t go away. I’m just not built to be “one of those people”.
So what is my pefect life? Being HEALTHY, spending time with my family, doing the things that I ENJOY, and probably most importantly, being happy with myself and what I do. To me, that means several things. One is that being healthy does not have to mean being a lean, mean, fighting machine. I am a very curvy person and probably would not look good weighing my recommended weight. So for me, I would like to see 150, but more importantly, I want to be happy. If I’m happy, and healthy, does the number even matter? There ARE healthy fat people out there. No I don’t want to weigh 200 pounds anymore, but it isn’t necessary to be “thin” by society’s standards.
I want to be able to run in the park and chase after my daughter. I want to feel sexy and be able to be initimate with my husband on a regular basis. I want to feel like I am worth it. I don’t want to be lazy anymore. I want to get the most of my life. It’s my life to live, not to waste.
Losing weight is not the solution. The solution is within me. I’ve lost a ton of weight before, and although it temporarily fixed a few things, I still was not truly happy. Weight loss does NOT equal happiness. Living life to the fullest does.
So what does all of this mean? I was going to start counting calories again, but maybe not?! I actually do enjoy cooking when it is enjoyable. So maybe I would be a happier just cooking healthy meals and eating moderately. It makes me feel good to get off my butt and cook a nice a meal. I also feel like I am providing for my family, and I will teaching my daughter good eating habits.
I was also going to force myself to work out. But why? It only causes stress. Obviously there are health benefits to working out, but does it have to be “working out”. No. So instead, I will focus on becoming more active. I actually do enjoy walking, so that I will continue. Maybe it will be bowling instead of dinner and a movie out.
I am also a lazy person by nature. I lack motivation in my life. So intead of aimlessly browing the Internet every night “killing time” before bed, I’m going to do something I actually enjoy. (I do enjoy coming here.
I’m talking about just doing nothing online, for no good reason.) I enjoy scrapbooking, but I’m so far behind because of laziness. I enjoy reading, but haven’t in a while.
My weight loss journey has changed. It is no longer about weight alone. It is about a journey to change my life. A journey to live happily. Life is too short and too precious to waste.